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Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For 15
Posted 11/21/2008 09:00 CST on The Onion
BOISE, ID—Though he claims it to be worth at least twice as much, flea market vendor Roger Jenkins is willing to let an unidentifiable,...
New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything
Posted 11/21/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
PHILADELPHIA—Taken three times daily with a quart of gin, Advil Release can alleviate the worst symptoms of life's deadening futility and cold, blank emptiness.
Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount
Posted 11/21/2008 07:00 CST on The Onion
The Consumer Price Index fell a record 1 percent in October, the steepest one month decline in its history. What do you think?
[audio] Phil's Party Reminds Area Man Why He Doesn't Go To Phil's Parties
Posted 11/21/2008 12:00 CST on The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Teenage Katrina Survivor Wins Yet Another Essay Contest
Posted 11/20/2008 10:00 CST on The Onion
WASHINGTON—At an awards ceremony held yesterday for the 2008 Profiles in Courage Essay Contest, 17-year-old Hurricane Katrina survivor...
Peja Stojakovic Fondly Recalls First Human Head He Played Basketball With
Posted 11/20/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
NEW ORLEANS—Hornets small forward Peja Stojakovic entertained his teammates Tuesday with his heartwarming tale of growing up in war-torn...
Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished
Posted 11/20/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the...
Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud
Posted 11/20/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living...
[audio] Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer
Posted 11/20/2008 12:00 CST on The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians
Posted 11/19/2008 10:00 CST on The Onion
Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent...
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship
Posted 11/19/2008 06:30 CST on The Onion
Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single...
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
Posted 11/19/2008 06:30 CST on The Onion
HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was...
Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading
Posted 11/19/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving...
[audio] Area Father Proves Tree Fort Is Not As Strong As Son Claims
Posted 11/19/2008 12:00 CST on The Onion
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey
Posted 11/18/2008 08:45 CST on The Onion
NEW YORK—"Lines were long but I wanted my son to be there when they peeled back the skin and threw salted butter and grease into the crowd," said Dean Carlson
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants
Posted 11/18/2008 09:00 CST on The Onion
DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but...
Co-Op Casino Robbed Again
Posted 11/17/2008 09:38 CST on The Onion
ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time...
Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy
Posted 11/17/2008 09:00 CST on The Onion
DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco.
Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference
Posted 11/15/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Marketing executive Bernard Ganley first humiliated himself Monday morning when he suggested that applicator tips were a thing of the past.
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends
Posted 11/14/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
NEW YORK—"Do you know how many guitar players tried and failed to nail the solo on the song 'Peg'? Six—That's commitment to a vision if you ask me," Fagen said.
Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early
Posted 11/13/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling...
International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With 85 Million In Campaign Fundraising
Posted 11/11/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
CHICAGO—"If you are reading this," said Obama's farewell note. "Then I have already left your silly country with a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'"
Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School
Posted 11/10/2008 09:00 CST on The Onion
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—"My gym teacher used to drone on about 'physical well-being—breaking a sweat, coordination—I still don't know what that means," said Kevin Higgins.
Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
Posted 11/08/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth.
Election Blog: Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!
Posted 11/07/2008 10:27 CST on The Onion
Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And...
Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List
Posted 11/07/2008 08:00 CST on The Onion
WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said Wildlife Deputy Rowan Gould.
Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President
Posted 11/06/2008 06:00 CST on The Onion
LOS ANGELES—Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant had a typically solid performance from the field last night, scoring 25 points to propel his team to a holy shit, it's hard to believe these words are even gracing this page, but on Tuesday,...
Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress
Posted 11/05/2008 01:30 CST on The Onion
WASHINGTON—President-elect Barack Obama did very well among women and young voters, who were most sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked.
Election Blog: The Cauldron Of History
Posted 11/05/2008 01:14 CST on The Onion
It has been brought to my attention that another flag-bedecked, bunting-encrusted electoral pantechnicon has been brought to a roaring, shuddering...
Election Blog: All The Electric Premonition That Rides The Sky Being A Drama Of Human Devising
Posted 11/05/2008 11:23 CST on The Onion
In the morning, Electorate, he passes people trooping away from home with their newspapers, bearers of a weight that goes beyond pounds and...
Election Blog: A Message From FBI Agent Lucas Emerson
Posted 11/05/2008 08:09 CST on The Onion
To Whom It May Concern: This political blog, normally authored by one
Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?'
Posted 11/04/2008 05:25 CST on The Onion
WASHINGTON—In a press conference held this morning on the White House lawn, President Bush formally asked the assembled press corps and members of his own administration if, in light of today's election, he could stop being the...
Election Blog: Here's How You Win An Election, Mr. McCain
Posted 11/03/2008 11:00 CST on The Onion
Oh no! It looks like John McCain's in a lot of trouble, and the...
Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
Posted 11/03/2008 09:00 CST on The Onion
CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to eat," said Glenn Vernacini.
Long-Snapper And Son Long-Snap A Few Balls Around Backyard
Posted 10/30/2008 05:00 CST on The Onion
CLEVELAND— Former Browns long-snapper Wes Hardigree, 38, took advantage of the lovely autumn weather Wednesday afternoon, picking up his 8-year-old son Ben from school and long-snapping the ball around the backyard of their suburban...
Election Blog: Please, Someone Do Something About Prison Sodomy
Posted 10/29/2008 02:10 CST on The Onion
If a candidate doesn't talk about this soon, I may take my own life.
Election Blog: Who's Going To Do Something About Prison Sodomy?
Posted 10/29/2008 02:00 CST on The Onion
My fellow Americans, I don't have to tell you that one of the most overlooked crises facing our nation today is the proliferation of prison sexual...
Election Blog: Granite State Blues
Posted 10/27/2008 01:45 CST on The Onion
After all that unpleasantness with Barack Obama in Muscatine a couple of weeks ago, I...
Election Blog: I'm Glad I Don't Have A Brain Yet, Because I Hate Elitism
Posted 10/25/2008 04:00 CDT on The Onion
If there's one thing I am sick and tired of listening to as I sit here growing clusters of nerve cells that will eventually form ears, it's ...
Double-Booked Tropicana Field Holds First Haunted House World Series
Posted 10/23/2008 08:00 CDT on The Onion
ST. PETERSBURG, FL—Tampa Bay Rays officials and Tropicana Field stadium management announced Wednesday night that, due to an unfortunate and unresolved scheduling conflict, the facility would continue to host the first ever Haunted House...
Election Blog: Lawyers Charge Too Much
Posted 10/21/2008 06:10 CDT on The Onion
Well, folks, things have gotten considerably worse.Since we last spoke, I have been put in solitary confinement for talking back to one...
Tony Womo Out Three To Four Weeks With Bwoken Widdle Fingey
Posted 10/16/2008 06:00 CDT on The Onion
DAWWAS—Cowboys medical personnel confirm that quawterback Tony Womo injured his thwowing hand in last week's 30-24 loss to the Arizona Cardinals and is expected to miss the next month after suffewing a sevewy bwoken wight...