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Brit-Brit’s Bipolar Adventures: Chapter One

April 6th, 2007 · 7190 Comments

Brit-Brit’s Bipolar Adventures: Chapter One

I understand that everyone has been fixated to their television sets or compulsively refreshing their internet connections, breathlessly waiting for what Britney Spears is going to do next – ignoring your work, your own children, and possibly your own sanity – in order to find out why this once Iconic Pop-Queen of the Universe™ has been so horribly derailed from her post and ended up the ambassador of Crazy-Town (just narrowly beating out Tom Cruise, of course).

Well, I think I may have an answer: she’s Bipolar (or the less politically correct, Manic-Depressive). Now I know you’ve heard this one before, but coming from someone who has a little bit of experience with the matter (no, you cannot see my credentials), I will lay out my hypothesis for you.

First, let me mention that Mania is a state that must last for four-or-more days in order for the person to truly be qualified as “Manic,” (references below) and this Manic state only has to happen once in one’s little life in order for one to be Bipolar, though I have a feeling that Brit has had more than one Manic Episode.

I have listed my hypothetical evidence below, and categorized it in numerical-list form using the symptoms of, specifically Mania, as to not hurt myself or anyone else:

1. Elevated Mood, Euphoria, Hyperactivity: She seems to be consistently pretty stoked out, I mean, even with the whole possibility of losing her kids and having a severe drug problem, don’t you think? And um… here:

Pre-Crazy:

Pre Crazy

Little-Crazy:

Crazy2

Crazy-Crazy!

Crazy1

2. Extreme Irritability, or Aggressive Behavior: We all have seen the photos of her taking all of her umbrella related qualms out on her soon-to-be-ex-husband’s automobile, but if you’ve forgotten, here’s the picture, bald and all:

Umbrella Bashing

3. Racing Thoughts and Talking Very Fast, jumping from one idea to another; Distractibility, Can’t Concentrate Well: Well, on April 4, 2007, a site reported that Spears had a meeting at the William Morris Agency recently, and they were told she “met with a number of agents about mapping her post-partum career… she was all over the place. She wants to do this and that, but she had no focus, no plan. After she left, the agents were shaking their heads.”

This just about nails it, don’t you think?

4. Recklessness, Poor Judgment, Impulsiveness: I’m going to go ahead and say that a) shaving your head, b) getting several tattoos, c) putting your house on the market for sale, and d) bouncing in and out of rehab, within just a few days qualifies as recklessness, poor judgment and impulsiveness. But just in case that isn’t enough:

Bikini Change

Changing into a dancer’s outfit for all the club-goers and the world to see, seems pretty bullet-proof impulsive to me.

5. Little Sleep Needed; Abuse of Drugs, Particularly Cocaine, Alcohol, And Sleeping Medications: Abuse of drugs? Let me count the numerously reported ways that her alcohol and drug abuse have reared their ugly little heads in the gossip columns and supermarket tabloids in the past few weeks: excessive Ecstasy and Cocaine use (if you’re a friend of Paris Hilton’s this comes naturally folks), excessive drinking, excessive plain old staying out all night and partying, night after night after night, excessive… well, you get it.

6. Provocative, or Intrusive Behavior, and Increased Sexual Drive: Besides the count them, three (3!) times she went commando and then spread her legs for all the paparazzi to see, while exiting various types of expensive automobiles on her way to various upscale (we’re sure) clubs, thanks to the wonder that is Issac Cohen’s (her very short-stinted model-ex boyfriend) mouth and tiny, tiny mind, we have thus: “She loves sex and is incredibly adventurous. She was totally happy when we were locked in each other’s arms. But once the sex stopped Britney was like a little girl lost, unable to cope. She would lie like a limp rag doll in my arms and and say, ‘Why can’t everyone leave me alone?’ and, ‘What have I done to deserve this?’”

Oh, and by the way, the ending part of that straight-from-the-horses-mouth-quote kind of touches on the “Depressive” part, of Manic-Depressive. Though as all books have stated, in order to be Bipolar per se, one must have one-or-more Manic phases in one’s life… Again, I’m proving the Mania here, the depression comes naturally with Brit – I’m sure.

7. A Lasting Period Of Behavior That Is Different From Usual: Granted we really haven’t seen much of the Brit-astic women in the last few years (except for some baby-fumbling outings), but I’m going to go ahead and say that partying every night with Paris Hilton, flashing her unmentionables, buzzing her skull, getting some ink, popping in and out of rehab faster than Nicole Richi pops Vicodin, getting a string of new boyfriends, and attacking a poor-defenseless SUV with a similarly poor-defenseless green umbrella might be “A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual,” wouldn’t you say?

In addition, to the numerous pictorial and hypothetical evidence pointing to Brit-brit’s Manic tendencies: and I quote: “over 2 million adults in the U.S. are diagnosed with bipolar disorder… it is found that 60% of the respondents (to a bipolar survey) reported an onset of the disorder symptoms before the age of 19… it often takes between five to eight years from first symptoms to diagnosis,” and from my experience (again, no, you cannot see my credentials) symptoms of bipolar become more apparent into your mid-twenties, and most cases are diagnosed around the age of 25. How old is she again? If you can remember her vagina-flashing extravaganza (I am not going to offer pictures because really though, who could forget), those indiscretions happened right around her 25th birthday.

And evidence before that? Well, her quickie marriage to Jason Alexander in Las Vegas, and her even quicker annulment; her impulsiveness to wrangle in her now famous faux-pas backup dancer extraordinaire Kevin Federline; and her desire to have children before possibly not being thoroughly ready for them; and I’m sure if I think a little harder about it (which I’m not going to do), I can find numerous other occasions.

Again, folks, this is just a theory of course, so I will not readily offer my lawyers phone number, but instead of rehab, she may just need some plane old actual prescribed medication, and not previously imbibed self-medication sort.

Thanks for listening to my little prescription addled mind, and Britney, don’t feel so bad, you’ve now joined the ranks of greats: Carry Fisher, Scott Weiland and his wardrobe burning wife Mary, Virginia Woolf, Axl Rose, Sting, Ben Stiller, Jim Carey, Robert Downey Jr., Robin Williams, Tim Burton, and the list goes on.

And, above it all, when she gets her bald-head on straight, I know that I will be sending her a welcome back to reality basket adorned with Starbucks gift-cards, and Lithium scripts.

Kate Hewitt

References:
Adult Bipolar Disorders, Mitzi Waltz, 2002
Survey of Bipolar Members, J.D. Lish et al., National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association, 1994

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